The Struggle is Real

Working in a school in Bush Alaska is not the easiest thing I've ever done but it's also not the hardest. For those of you who know my background I've been in worse places and worked much harder. Last week as I sat in a administrator training session I guess the look on my face was easy for anyone with one eye and half of a brain cell to read. I was absolutely miserable. I had a couple of people come over to check on me. During the lunch break that I didn't bother to take. The superintendent came over and pulled up a chair. She had a genuine look of concern and pity on her face. I was somewhat surprised that I was so easy to read. She asked if I was ok. I looked her dead in the eye and said no I'm not ok. She asked if it was anything to do with the school situation. I replied, "School is school. It's the same here as it is anywhere else. I've done this a long time and nothing that has happened here has bothered me." She asked if I miss home. I didn't pause or hesitate. I said, "No, I miss my wife." We've not spent more than a couple of nights apart for over 22 years until last summer when I went to the coast for 2 conferences that lasted 13 days. I left the Army because I missed being with her and I was absolutely miserable for those 13 days and I honestly don't know what the hell I was thinking when I decided to try this while she stayed in Mississippi." She made some suggestions, like taking short breaks and meeting in the middle. Somewhere like Seattle. And Seattle really is close to the mid way point just to give you an idea of the distance involved. For those of you who don't know us personally, Wanda and I are pretty thick. She's my other half and my best friend. We talk on the phone everyday. She's the last person I talk to at night and the first person I talk to in the morning. She sacrifices sleep to talk to me at night and I sacrifice sleep in the mornings to wake up and talk to her while she gets ready for work. For example if we talk until 8 pm Alaska time it's 11 pm at home and if I talk to her when she gets up it's 4 am here. Most mornings I'm awake by 3 am just to make sure I'm awake in case she wakes up early. I gladly sacrifice sleep for conversation. I've been really close to buying a ticket home and just saying that I appreciate the confidence the district has placed in me but I'm packing it in. So far I'm hanging in here. Wanda has told me more than once she wants me to come home. I'm torn between honoring a contract to strangers and honoring a commitment to my wife. That decision is easy. I'll come down on her side every single time. But for now we've agreed that I'm gonna stick it out as long as we can both stand it. I hesitate to speak for her most of the time because she has her own mind. But in the case from what she has told me repeatedly we agree we're both miserable being apart. I'm the only staff member here who is separated from their spouse. Others have told me they don't know how I'm doing it. They've all met Wanda when she came. They all agree on 1 thing. I was much happier when she was here. It's funny how they all seem to come around at different times and try to pick me up but at the same time tell me how much they understand if I want to go home. I guess I'm an open book at this point. I make no bones about it, if she calls and says come home right now and really means it I'll be on the first plane that flies. I told the principal today that I had come to a decision. I had a great day today. I stayed busy all day and the day flew by and I was happier than I had been in weeks. But, and there is always a but, I was not happy living here without Wanda and I was at peace with going home whenever the mood struck me. I always told myself you don't make decisions when you're mad or happy. Emotional decisions are bad decisions. So I know making a decision about this at the end of a bad day is a dumb thing to do. Make a decision when you're r mind is clear. I've done that now. I'm literally day to day at this point. He said he knew it 3 days after Wanda left. He said I haven't been the same person since then and he's right.

Monday morning I went to school early. It's was pitch dark as I was walking there and I went in the building as I usually do and started opening. A couple of others came in right after me. One was our secretary. She asked if we saw the 3 moose in the driveway. I said no. She said that I had to have walked right past them. Her picture shows a big cow maybe 20 feet from where I passed. It was just slightly lighter when she walked up but not much. I went outside to see if they were still there but they had gone. This morning as I walk to school in the dark. I flushed a very large bird from the brush on the side of the road. It was no more than 5 feet away when it took off. Needless to say I nearly died. We've been told that the bears follow the moose and all I knew was something large was coming out of the brush and it was too close for me to get away. That lasted about 2 seconds before I recognized that it was just a bird but that 2 seconds felt like an eternity.

I got a skillet, spatula and a pizza pan in from Amazon today. That allowed me to cook bacon, eggs and toast for supper tonight. It was great. I've also gotten about 15 pounds of moose meat and 10 pounds of salmon in the freezer. Maybe I'll stay around long enough to enjoy eating it.